Not feeling the love................

I just need to get it off my chest. I have moments of feeling pretty worthless and unloved. I know in my heart of hearts this is not true, but waves of it come over me. I am striving so hard to find a balance in my life. I have worked unmercifully hard at my career and after having taken many steps forward, I feel I have taken more than that backwards. I have had to defend my actions to a new DM and watch younger people I have trained chosen to do duties I would have liked the chance to do. It is so hard to be motivated when you are never told "good job", even though you know, it is in black & white, that you have done a good job. How can you be expected to go above and beyond every day when there is no outward appreciation for what you do? I struggle with just accepting this or once again stepping up to the plate & knocking it out of the park. If there is no light at the end of the tunnel, why should I? Yes, I will prove to myself I can do it, but I already know that. Maybe, it is just that I was meant for something else on this earth and do not know what that is as of yet. I have always struggled with my self esteem. It has been a life long battle. Upon meeting me you may not see this but it is so true. I do put on a great facade! I need to feel good about something! I need something to strive for and have goals to reach. Right now I am stagnate. God, I hope this passes. I need to feel the love, be appreciated and know I am on this earth for a good reason. Got it out... that's all for now!

more ladies

My spare time has, at times, been consumed by painting madness. I have recently been inspired by Sharon Tomlinson's work (Norah's Art). Her techniques are fun and possibilities are endless. What I want to do with these little paintings is either transfer them to fabric and incorporate them into one of my mothers projects and/or make bezels from PMC and bury mini collages in resin. Who knows......?????? Whatever I decide, I am having fun doing these. I am getting more comfortable doing faces and will just keep practicing. I bought some "adult crayons" ,Caran D'Ache, water soluable crayons. I plan on dabbling with these next. Pictured are my 2 latest attempts. I named the one with multiple characters, "Pretty Ladies", the other I named "Possibilities", the quote on it says, "what one can be, one must be".

Night Song

I have spent the last few days working on my 2 nd girly painting. I am calling this "Night Song". I am thrilled how it turned out. I finished the face this morning then the rest just flowed. Before I knew it the day was gone and it was finished. It was a blast! I thought of the title and decided on the quote as I rode to the barn this evening. The quote is an old chinese proverb , and says, " A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song." I am so inspired by the art work of DJ Pettit as well as Kelly Rae Roberts, and Misty Mawn. The ideas are spinning in my brain. It's exhausting but fun. Can't wait to see what I do next!!!!!!!

My 1 st attempt at a "girly "painting

I am being very brave showing you my first attempt at doing one of those "girly" paintings. I am not totally thrilled with it and may redo the face. I had a blast doing it. I am basically self taught. One wish I have is to attend one of those artist retreats, but until then, I learn through books, magazines (Stampington Publications, Cloth, Paper, Scissors)and artist blogs who share techniques. I have no idea what my style will be. I assume as I continue to work something will emerge. All I can say is that it makes me very happy to do this. I feel energized & content at the same time. I will continue to post what I do, if for no other reason but to journal my progress.

Thank You

I was on vacation last week and bought the book "Taking Flight", by Kelly Rae Roberts. I had visited her blog awhile ago , then just got away from it. Anyway, I read her book from cover to cover and took the time and did a painting ala "KRR". Her book was so appropriate for me. I always feel there is something missing and I feel the need to create. I am so absorbed & happy when I am in this place. Unfortunately, I do not always have the time when I am working and carting kids around and taking care of animals. This book made me realize that I am not alone in this struggle. My mind is so busy going 100 miles an hour about everything else, I forget about me and the small details in life. I received a lot of "food for thought" from her book and will refer back to it many times in the future. There is an artist inside of me, there always has been. I just need to find my niche, whether it is painting, PMC jewelry, photography, or a combination of all 3! I haven't posted in awhile, summer has kept me busy and I have been grieving from the death of my Dad in April. A gruff man who I loved deeply, but he didn't know how to show his love to me. All I wanted was for him to be proud of me. I don't think he ever was, because he did not know the real me. I helped care for him that last month and I thought I made my peace with him. Events since his death have now made me wonder. There is no way I will ever have an answer so I will just go on and be the best person I can be. I live to make my kids happy and am trying to pick up the pieces of my marriage and make that work as well.

I read about a woman named Megan on Kelly's blog who has cancer,but insurance has denied her proper treatment.This is a subject close to my heart after loosing my step mom & dad in the last 18 months and now have my sister being treated for breast cancer. Kelly did a wonderful thing and put a fundraiser on her popular blog to raise money for Megan's treatment. I donated what I could. It was not much, as I live paycheck to paycheck. It felt really good to do that for Megan. I just found out I won the giveaway from Kelly. I am blown away! I didn't expect that at all! So Thank You! May we all be inspired to help someone that needs it and know that even doing something small can have a huge impact.

LIfe is good, not enough time to do all I want to do

I love spring. It never used to be a favorite season...I hate mud! But lately I have been devouring all that life offers. Kids are growing, developing interests of their own. they need me less & less. A good thing and bad. Work keeps me busy as usual, but I relish the quiet of my 5 am country mornings while the birds begin their daily sonata. I have planted flowers to welcome them and butterflies and remind me of my Dad & Gin's wonderful garden. Everything is so green,my favorite color. Babies are everywhere! Human babies, kittens, gangly foals, baby birds in the nest above my deck. Ideas for PMC and collages whirl in my head. I can't seem to sit down long enough to finish much. I've been to a beautiful wedding celebrating the beginning of a new partnership and witnessed the death of my dad who I longed for his acceptance. It's been an eventful spring. Full of life, and it's end. Spring is a stepping stone into the rest of the year and I am going to relish each and every ounce of it I can. Life is good and I am grateful for what I am.

Thoroughbred Retirement Foundation http://www.trfinc.org

With the economy in a down turn many breeders & trainers can no longer afford to take care of their horses. Some of you may have heard about the recent seizure of improperly cared for racehorses that was in the news locally. Many, many racehorses become injured, or owners, for whatever reason, do not want them anymore. Many of these horses have been sent to auctions to be bought by slaughterhouses. Horse meat is still a delicacy in Asia & Europe. Ferdinand, a Kentucky Derby winner, ended up on someone's dinner plate after his owner claimed him useless and sent him to slaughter. To me, this is a sin! These horses have given us so much. They deserve so much better than this. With some attention and care they can have 2 nd careers as companions, show horses, trail, jumping, dressage horses, etc. We own one of these horses. His name is "Hoy". He came from the Finger Lakes track and ended up in a local rescue New Beginnings Equine Rescue. After the death of my daughters 22 Year old Quarter Horse, we decided we wanted to do our part and adopt one of these wonderful horses. Growing up just outside of Saratoga Springs, NY., I had been exposed to the racing scene most of my life. I always admired them & was in awe of their strength & beauty. Little did I know at the time, the horrors that go on behind the scene. Many good people, are working very hard to change all of that. The Thoroughbred Retirement Foundation, http://www.trfinc.org, is one of those, based in Saratoga Springs. Others include the Excellor Fund, & Canter.

We have owned "Hoy" for 3 + years and have worked hard to retrain him. My daughter, Mariah, shows him in local shows, and will be learning dressage with him this year. He is sweet, funny, and charming, and we love him to death. I wish I could love more horses the way we love him. Space, time & of course money prevents us from doing that. My hope is that by doing my small part and educating others and volunteering my services when I can, I can help in a small way and maybe inspire others to do as well. The Kentucky Derby will be run once again next week. Take a look at the sites I listed . Maybe it will tug at your heart strings as it has done mine.