18 Years Ago Tonight.......

Exactly 18 years ago, I was 2 weeks over due for my 1 st child. My sister, Kathi, who had shared my pregnancy with me, had her daughter, Elizabeth, a week before on October 1 st, while I was in a room a few doors down being induced. I was sent home, my baby was not ready to come that night. So another uncomfortable week in sued. I held my sisters baby, which only made me more impatient to hold my own. At that point I did not know the sex of my baby. I wanted to be surprised and really didn't care what sex it was, as long as he or she was healthy. My Mom invited me over for dinner and had made some extra spicy chili. She had been told that eating spicy food could bring on labor. Well, we will never know for sure if it was the chili, but I went into labor a few hours later. After a difficult labor & delivery, I met my son. We had already picked out his name, Jordan Daniel. I was expecting a Gerber baby, and what I got was a very pink, marked up ( from forceps) baby, who at moments resembled a little old man. I remember looking at him and falling deeply in love. Everything had changed! Jordan was the happiest little baby, smiling and belly laughing at the slightest inkling. He had the blondest hair, almost white and everyone adored him.

My son is now 18 years old. He has grown into a handsome young man who has a wonderful soul. He is smart and charming and I am so proud he is my son. He still can win me over in a minute with that smile of his. It is hard to believe all that time has passed. Where did it go? I sat this evening and looked at some pictures of him as a younger child, getting all warm with the memories. I don't think I can love any deeper than I love my children. I am sad that those younger days are gone but am excited in what the future holds for this young man. He is still trying to decide where his future will take him, but whatever he decides , he will do well at it. He has been a wonderful son, always worrying about his Mom, making sure I am OK. I trust him because he has never given me a reason not to. He takes care of his sister and watches over her and helps keep his Dad in line. He truly has been a gift and I am so glad he is my son and been a part of my life. Happy Birthday Jordan. May your life be filled with the joy you have and still bring to our lives. I love you!

Not feeling the love................

I just need to get it off my chest. I have moments of feeling pretty worthless and unloved. I know in my heart of hearts this is not true, but waves of it come over me. I am striving so hard to find a balance in my life. I have worked unmercifully hard at my career and after having taken many steps forward, I feel I have taken more than that backwards. I have had to defend my actions to a new DM and watch younger people I have trained chosen to do duties I would have liked the chance to do. It is so hard to be motivated when you are never told "good job", even though you know, it is in black & white, that you have done a good job. How can you be expected to go above and beyond every day when there is no outward appreciation for what you do? I struggle with just accepting this or once again stepping up to the plate & knocking it out of the park. If there is no light at the end of the tunnel, why should I? Yes, I will prove to myself I can do it, but I already know that. Maybe, it is just that I was meant for something else on this earth and do not know what that is as of yet. I have always struggled with my self esteem. It has been a life long battle. Upon meeting me you may not see this but it is so true. I do put on a great facade! I need to feel good about something! I need something to strive for and have goals to reach. Right now I am stagnate. God, I hope this passes. I need to feel the love, be appreciated and know I am on this earth for a good reason. Got it out... that's all for now!

more ladies

My spare time has, at times, been consumed by painting madness. I have recently been inspired by Sharon Tomlinson's work (Norah's Art). Her techniques are fun and possibilities are endless. What I want to do with these little paintings is either transfer them to fabric and incorporate them into one of my mothers projects and/or make bezels from PMC and bury mini collages in resin. Who knows......?????? Whatever I decide, I am having fun doing these. I am getting more comfortable doing faces and will just keep practicing. I bought some "adult crayons" ,Caran D'Ache, water soluable crayons. I plan on dabbling with these next. Pictured are my 2 latest attempts. I named the one with multiple characters, "Pretty Ladies", the other I named "Possibilities", the quote on it says, "what one can be, one must be".

Night Song

I have spent the last few days working on my 2 nd girly painting. I am calling this "Night Song". I am thrilled how it turned out. I finished the face this morning then the rest just flowed. Before I knew it the day was gone and it was finished. It was a blast! I thought of the title and decided on the quote as I rode to the barn this evening. The quote is an old chinese proverb , and says, " A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song." I am so inspired by the art work of DJ Pettit as well as Kelly Rae Roberts, and Misty Mawn. The ideas are spinning in my brain. It's exhausting but fun. Can't wait to see what I do next!!!!!!!

My 1 st attempt at a "girly "painting

I am being very brave showing you my first attempt at doing one of those "girly" paintings. I am not totally thrilled with it and may redo the face. I had a blast doing it. I am basically self taught. One wish I have is to attend one of those artist retreats, but until then, I learn through books, magazines (Stampington Publications, Cloth, Paper, Scissors)and artist blogs who share techniques. I have no idea what my style will be. I assume as I continue to work something will emerge. All I can say is that it makes me very happy to do this. I feel energized & content at the same time. I will continue to post what I do, if for no other reason but to journal my progress.

Thank You

I was on vacation last week and bought the book "Taking Flight", by Kelly Rae Roberts. I had visited her blog awhile ago , then just got away from it. Anyway, I read her book from cover to cover and took the time and did a painting ala "KRR". Her book was so appropriate for me. I always feel there is something missing and I feel the need to create. I am so absorbed & happy when I am in this place. Unfortunately, I do not always have the time when I am working and carting kids around and taking care of animals. This book made me realize that I am not alone in this struggle. My mind is so busy going 100 miles an hour about everything else, I forget about me and the small details in life. I received a lot of "food for thought" from her book and will refer back to it many times in the future. There is an artist inside of me, there always has been. I just need to find my niche, whether it is painting, PMC jewelry, photography, or a combination of all 3! I haven't posted in awhile, summer has kept me busy and I have been grieving from the death of my Dad in April. A gruff man who I loved deeply, but he didn't know how to show his love to me. All I wanted was for him to be proud of me. I don't think he ever was, because he did not know the real me. I helped care for him that last month and I thought I made my peace with him. Events since his death have now made me wonder. There is no way I will ever have an answer so I will just go on and be the best person I can be. I live to make my kids happy and am trying to pick up the pieces of my marriage and make that work as well.

I read about a woman named Megan on Kelly's blog who has cancer,but insurance has denied her proper treatment.This is a subject close to my heart after loosing my step mom & dad in the last 18 months and now have my sister being treated for breast cancer. Kelly did a wonderful thing and put a fundraiser on her popular blog to raise money for Megan's treatment. I donated what I could. It was not much, as I live paycheck to paycheck. It felt really good to do that for Megan. I just found out I won the giveaway from Kelly. I am blown away! I didn't expect that at all! So Thank You! May we all be inspired to help someone that needs it and know that even doing something small can have a huge impact.

LIfe is good, not enough time to do all I want to do

I love spring. It never used to be a favorite season...I hate mud! But lately I have been devouring all that life offers. Kids are growing, developing interests of their own. they need me less & less. A good thing and bad. Work keeps me busy as usual, but I relish the quiet of my 5 am country mornings while the birds begin their daily sonata. I have planted flowers to welcome them and butterflies and remind me of my Dad & Gin's wonderful garden. Everything is so green,my favorite color. Babies are everywhere! Human babies, kittens, gangly foals, baby birds in the nest above my deck. Ideas for PMC and collages whirl in my head. I can't seem to sit down long enough to finish much. I've been to a beautiful wedding celebrating the beginning of a new partnership and witnessed the death of my dad who I longed for his acceptance. It's been an eventful spring. Full of life, and it's end. Spring is a stepping stone into the rest of the year and I am going to relish each and every ounce of it I can. Life is good and I am grateful for what I am.